Angry Buddha's Journey

  I’m so damn close to my goal….. Tracking my macros and weight I am 1 pound away from achieving my goal to start 2024. Based on diet and caloric intake, I was hoping that I could lose 20Lbs by the start of the new year. I’ve lost 19 pounds…. Just 1 more damn pound.     C’MONNNNNNN I’m fasting, going to enjoy a nice meal this evening and then hit it hard tonight.   I’m bringing in 2024 strong. I’m looking forward to my last cigarette.     On Sunday, December 31 st @ 11:55PM I will light up my last cigarette.     It’s supposed to be cold that night.      Low of 21 Degrees.     I’m going to bundle up, sit on my deck and exhale into the night.     Hopefully it won’t be too cloudy. I’m going to lose this last stubborn pound so I can start the new year right.      I’m going to continue tracking my macros, weight, and performance.    ...

  Happy Holidays to EVERYONE…. I truly mean that…. EVERYONE.      We are on the tail end of 2023, needless to say that this is not how I was expecting to bring in 2024. As I look back on this year, I can only hope that everyone’s lives I have touched and those who has touched mine can bring in 2024 with fresh eyes and a sense of meaningful purpose. As I look back on this year, there are so many wonderful memories.     (I’m only thinking about the happy ones). As I look back on this year, I also have learned a lot about myself, how I can improve myself, and how I can conduct myself in the future. 1.        Stop being so stubborn.     In both my personal life and work life…. I have been tasked with projects and tasks that take a lot out of me.     If things don’t go right…. I go into “asshole” mode and work triple time to get things done.     2.    ...

  One thing that has been given to me a lot this past month was in the form of “advice” For those I respect, I care for, I love, thank you!!! Truly!       Thank you for letting me open up and explain the situation and explain my feelings.      It truly makes me feel good knowing my thoughts and feelings about the whole situation weren’t in the wrong.    It's very nice to hear those pieces of advice where they play "Devil's Advocate".   Trying to understand.    It also helps knowing that those who don’t even know me that well, listen to the situation, and then understand what happened and agree.    Friends, neighbors, co-workers, what an amazing support system!!!! This made me reflect on various situations.     Not just with romantic relationships, but with work relationships, friendships, acquaintances, etc…. If someone you don’t respect, who’s actions are truly moronic, try to ...

 T-Minus 3 days until I start Chantix.... while I know I'll miss the feeling of having a cigarette.    This is what I need to do.   This is what I HAVE to do.   I'm actually excited about getting started on this.    

That is all :-)

 Well.... I did it.     10+ pounds in under a week. I'm going to see if I can continue this trend and how long it can go for.

  The Good Times Many people “on both sides of the isle” have said for me to try and remember the good times.      I do, I can’t keep them out of my mind. 1.        I Remember:    when we first started talking.     It was a nice evening.     Stars were everywhere.    We were standing near her front stoop.     She was trying to describe home insulation.    She referred to it as “Squishy Stuff”.     I don’t know if she saw the smile on my face.    It was adorable.   This is what sparked the name “Squish” for her. 2.        I Remember:   talking… talking and talking.    About anything.    Everything under the sun.    We would talk for hours on the deck.     One of the talks we had we watched the sun rise.    I got her a blanket.  ...

 Good and Bad News: The replacement TV has arrived and it's setup infront of the Treadmill ( I wanted a 4K display there). That means my Gym is complete!      The only thing missing is the mirrors. I was contacted that the Mirrors were damaged in shipping and I would receive a refund :-( But I'm starting to ask myself:   Do I really need those mirrors?    Do I want to constantly see myself at where I am now?    Do the mirrors really help?    Yes, I know mirrors are everywhere at public gyms.... but  I'm thinking I don't need them.... Thoughts?   hmmmmm

  I’m not sure what it is…. But I’m starting to really enjoy the feeling of what my body is going through. I’m also starting to enjoy seeing the previous day’s entries and pushing a bit more…. It’s like a challenge. I like this…..

 An Apology…. This will be my last apology that I will make to you J.   In the past couple weeks, I have been apologizing for a lot of things to you.      But I realize that I should never have had to apologize for who and what I am.     I should not have apologized for the things I did and didn't do.   I should have never forgiven you for going to him so quickly.     I don’t need your forgiveness.     However, that being said, I do owe you ONE apology. When you told me that you were wanting to end things months before…. I took it hard.    Wow did I take it hard.      It made me feel absolutely worthless and it made the last year and a half a lie.      Don’t get me wrong.    I still feel that way. But I am Sorry I am sorry for the things I said in that other group.     I was so sad, hurt, and angry.    ...

Oh how interesting….. Someone emailed me anonymously stating that I’m full of shit and I’m just making up stories in my blog. Well…as they say…. Proof is in the pudding Image of the Ring Quote Image from my Credit Card showing I went to TX Roadhouse EDIT: I posted on a different forum that a friend and I went to TX Roadhouse for dinner.

 A long time friend who knows everything about me said something to me today that really hits home: "if she isn't willing to do it for herself and her kids, then she probably isn't capable of giving the love you deserve back to you" That really hit home.... Actions always speak louder than words

  I am prepping for 2024! Quit Smoking Get Fit It’s hard to believe but Mid December is almost here.     Holy hell this year has flown by!    “The Gym” is almost complete.      Only thing left is the TV’s and Mirrors. The time and date for my last cigarette will be December 31 st , 2023 at 11:55PM. On the Morning of December 25 th 2023, I will start taking Chantix and start using my vape again.     For Chantix to work, you have to continue to smoke your regular amount of cigarettes while taking Chantix for the first week.     After that first week…. You drop the cigarette smoking while continuing to take Chantix.    On that night, no matter how cold and snowy it is, I am going to sit down on my deck, look up at the sky and enjoy that last cigarette.     I have started to do light workouts.     Brisk walking / jogging and bare bar workouts.   ...

Well, I guess I can let the cat out of the bag…. In retrospect, I think this is what was causing the most hurt. Regardless of the ups and downs I had with her.     My thoughts and my very being were hers..      No matter how frustrated or mad I got with her…. She was never once out of my mind.     I told myself that if she could do those things to get her life in order, I would be so proud of her, that I would do what I had been thinking about for the past 6 months.    For reference, see my post titled “The One with Taking a Break”. I went as far as going to Joseph’s to look at my mom’s ring.    Get a new appraisal, get the costs for something I wanted to engrave in the band along with a small portion beside the diamonds to replicate the design on the ring of Mordor.    (she is a huge LOTR fan). The next step was to contact my brother to offer to pay him for half the ring.     Since ...

When a relaship ends, it's always best to give space and distance, isn't it? Some people live across town from one another Some people have a city separating them Some people even have a state(s) separating them  I don't have that luxury.   She is my next door neighbor.   When I go out on my deck, the house she lives in is literally RIGHT THERE. So every time I go on my deck, look out my window, I get a reminder and the wounds open all over. So every time I go on my deck, and her little boy comes over to say "wut doin" I will get that reminder. I wish she didn't live so close to me.

What should I have done different? Was this all my fault? It really hit me hard, when I found out that she had been wanting to end things for months.     How come she couldn’t tell me?     However, knowing she has been wanting to leave for awhile now, explains how easily it was for her to move on so quickly and blow off everything we had this past year and a half.     I can’t help but think that it was all just a lie. I will fully admit I was not the best boyfriend in the world.     I will fully admit that I should have done more.     I will fully admit that I should have done things differently. But when I went through the stage of bargaining, wanting to know how I could prove to her I could do this, she seemed happy.     She couldn’t tell me no about “him”.      She would say things like “it’s not set in stone”, “I don’t know what will happen with him”. It made me ...

Aftermath Part 1: This post may contain adult subject matter. This post is being used as a way for me to overcome the pain I’m feeling.   A way to vent, a way to help put this behind me. One of the promises I made to my neighbor:  I promised him, that the boys (ages 2 and 4) will always be welcome to come over.    I will NEVER EVER say anything to them about what happened.   Those Boys are innocent. On the same note:   She said to her new lover that I disliked her kids. Nothing could be further from the truth.    Each and every time they came over they were welcome.    I will miss seeing her older boy say "what doin?" , I will miss seeing her youngest fly around my house like someone filled him up with a can of Monster Energy and his locks flying everywhere. Now I will fully admit.   I may not have shown them the amount of love and caring that you were hoping.    Do I admit I should have done more?...

The Primary Reason why I wanted to “Take a Break” This post may contain adult subject matter. This post is being used as a way for me to overcome the pain I’m feeling.   A way to vent, a way to help put this behind me. My relationship is done and over.     A year and a half.   Down the shitter. Let me make a list of what the hell is going on so you can better understand why I decided to put the brakes on my relationship with her. 1.        She Refuses to get Child Support 2.        She Refuses to put her kids into Day Care 3.        She Refuses to get a Job She Refuses to get Child Support For over a year, I have been nudging, hinting, reminding, trying to push her to get Child Support for her two kids.    My Neighbor and Friend has been supporting her (along with her two kids, her mother, her 3 kids, and an endless stream of friends) is being ...

Like Ross and Rachel from the TV show Friends…. **Adult Content Ahead** So when I did want to take a step back, “take a break”, was to try and motivate  to get her ass in gear.   I never wanted to break up with her.   You see,  I’m genuinely concerned about her and her two kids.   If something happens to the person she lives with, she and her boys will have zero money and no roof over their heads!    Well this is what happened and how it epically blew up in my face: Number 1: Nothing happened on her end, no progress was made.   I made the decision.   It was so damn difficult as I truly love her with all of my heart and soul. Number 2.       Her Reaction:   In Less than 48 hours she made contact with another guy, agreed to meet, fucked, and is now in a “pseudo” relationship with him. I felt betrayed, I am devastated, (Later I learn that she took this as not a break but a break up, whatever). Hy...